~ Ephemeral Visage ~

Lonely souls & Silent streets. Please don't think of me If you do you gotta block it I got chills tonight And you can't be here to stop it I'm not a parasite It's just a lonely night Tonight. ---Robbie Williams, If It's Hurting You. It's kinda relaxing these days. Work seems so far away. The irony is, it shouldn't be this way. I see others' work piling up. But as I look at my workbin, there's no kanbans waiting for me. There are other worries...problems rather. Talks about plans, health, money. Much as hopes that life would simply remain thus, I know there's more expected of me, in terms of contributions, in many many aspects. I'm so sick of people's expectations Leaves me tired all the time If your home's full of useless aggravation Then don't bring it to mine. --- Robbie Williams, Singing for the Lonely. From time to time, these songs play in my mind. Yet Other times... The silence overwhelms them a...

Waiting for the right train. Life is... monotonous these days, as my pictures do tell. "Your pictures, they probably speak more than your words." Suddenly, his words came drifting into my mind again. Its about a trait of mine that I didn't realise. I smile. I don't miss him anymore... The days to his return seems to draw near with accelerated pace. 'Twas sweet the way he conveyed his reminiscence of me But I don't know what will happen when he finally comes back. And somehow... I don't think anything will happen after all. Because I don't think that's what I want... And neither does he. Haha. Okay so I digressed. I've a feeling I'm drifting along the currents... Content to watch others scurry downstream alongside, Waiting for something to happen. And something tells me... Many small things are gonna happen before the big wave hits. Gotta make the right judgements, not to be brought down by the small waves,...

Not myself these days... Like a drunken state of mind... I drift around aimlessly, Stretching awake hours endlessly Knowing non when to sleep. Guilty of self-contradictions Laid out and tried Jailed in my own abyss... Sentenced to life. And what a life... this is.

Remember the year past... with you. Hello 2005... Let's introduce ourselves, befriend each other like a bunch of freshies, and be kind to each other in the passing days. Last year during this last vestiges of the waning year, we were at a noisy Changi beach, trying our best to cook an emperor chicken, and watching nice transversites. Haha. I forgot who came up with the idea. Come to think of it... I haven't seen him for a year. That's 12 months, 365 days, a darn bloody long time. Which, I think, explains what I'm feeling now. Missing him. I will look back at 2004 from time to time. Will you? It was a year that held as much grief as it did joy for me. So nothing to hold back, let it wane. Slip through our fingers... like sand and grain.

I went away for a while... But nothing seemed changed except My love for Christmas. It seemed so much further away And less meaningful to be worth anticipation. Maybe the vacation changed something in me, Maybe I'm just contented with all I have to attempt to make life better, Or... maybe.. just maybe... I've become less optimistic, that's why X'mas seems less beautiful now. Think I'll take some time to pick up life(here) where I left off... It's debatable whether things will be the same as before, But at least I was happy during my time there, and I'm fine. But tired. Damn tired.

Stayer or Player... This topic came up today. About who's a player... who's the stayer. "Is there a definite player and stayer? Does not being a stayer means you're definitely a player? No gray area? Like say... look at dee, you're definitely not a stayer. Or are you?" Why drag me into the conversation... I was just minding my minced pork noodles. And yes, I was trying to avoid any discussion about myself regarding a relationship at this junction of my life. Because I don't understand what I want anymore after all's that happened. I'm sick of floating around... wanna find someone comfy to lounge and chill with. Does that make me a stayer? Don't think so. Though I'm ok with the idea of marrying this someone if we can make it through to a marriageable age, I don't wish the whole marry idea to be planted right from the beginning of our relationship. It becomes... unnatural. I don't need a spouse to report to just yet. A...

Drugged Oblivion Thinking of someone is like an addiction, that contradicts reason and defies any self-control. It makes you simply picture their faces, their smiles, or any quirky expressions that belongs only to them. But yet thinking of, is different from missing someone. When you miss someone, you wish he's there right this moment, you can talk, laugh, do things you both enjoy together. But thinking... is purely thinking. No simulations, no wish-you-were-heres, just pure reminiscence of his attributes. And you don't feel miserable that he's not here, unlike what missing brings. But then again, it's always difficult to draw a line between missing and thinking... especially when your feelings start to grow with time. Hmmm... I'll deal with that when the time comes. For now... I like the feeling of just thinking. With a silly smile on my face.