~ Ephemeral Visage ~

Our paths crossed...again. I am reminded of the entry I wrote some time ago regarding whether parallel paths will ever cross each other again. You've reappeared...and I'm filled with trepidation of doing the wrong things again, and happiness that you're filling the void he left behind. My days aren't half empty as they used to be. Yet I may not accept if things went further, but at the same time getting tired of playing the game at its stagnant status. Maybe I need a break, but your words reminded me of that morning where we sat and watched the sunrise replace the moon. Our Sunrise. And I can't bear to turn and walk away completely. I may be mistaken about what your words meant, and who it was for... but it was real nostalgic the way things used to be; Even the fear felt eerily familiar. But I'm no longer the wide-eyed, desperate-loving nymph who built her woods around you. And tell me if I still love you the same, or am I just living the fantasy I didn't ha...

The pigeons are clubbing Went mambo the other day... with a different crowd and company. A different experience totally as well, and well, anything different is worth appreciating. Several issues arose during mambo that shifted me into uneasy mode, but don't see the point mentioning anymore since I'm set to forget them. Next week I have company asking me to go once more.. should I? Feeling tired again... of everything.. even talking on msn tires me out. I dunno where my time goes. Lord, it's already the 16th. Holidays are fast coming to an end, and what have I achieved so far? i've received invitations to go for several parties this year, some simple dinner, some bashes, and some house parties. But I just wanna stay low this year; If i can't have the x'mas i want, I'd rather have a quiet one at that. Screw the faculty events... I'm not the least interested. You turn up, smile with an effort, seeing everyone with a partner or friend they came with and sha...

A million-dollar dream I know you wanna go there baby, I've dreamt of that too... Maybe one day when I made it big, or when the airlines are budgeted beyond budget, my dream will come true. I dreamt... that I was posted to work in England, cold dreary country with castles but beautiful landscapes much like what I read about in those old romance storybooks by Judith MacNaught... haha. But of course there's the urban cities, rustic lights and trendy, eager kids. I was driving from my little town house just outside the edge of the urban city, with anticipation up to my collar as I headed for the airport. You were arriving in half an hour's time with J and W, your two best buds from home. All around people were huddled in their coats. Bright colorful lights a stark contrast to the freezing weather and dirty snow. I was happy. I'm always happy when the season's near. But this year I'm happier than ever because my dream's coming true -- I could finally afford to i...

Skulking reverie *Inhale... and see how the world sees you. A soft mush of waste, Fetid and cold. Nausea riding waves of bile, He's a natural pro. Maggots scurry for warmth in you, Innards appetizers to the stew. Jerk-- a personification of what you are... Trash's your given name. The darkness is back again... a shrounding mist of gray. Seeing him once more has put me on the drug again; A bad habit I can't seem to nip. The mind's working too hard for this little human husk, and soon the flesh will demand its own recovery schedule. This cycle is familiar to many, I believe. They just don't put them into words the way I do. Music don't work no more for me, they don't flow from me either. Cuz this is no bitterness that fires aggressiveness and turbo motivation. It's pure agony. You have images writhing in your brain, and you long to release that pain. Yet now...your fortress you built to keep yourself safe a dozen decades ago, now seem to be the very thick ...

Insatiable... Crave...chocolate. Since when? Those 2 boxes I got from her during the new year. I kinda miss her. But it's beyond my rights to ask her out for tea. Robbie's singing on MTV...his confidence, not ARROGANCE: "I will talk, and Hollywood will listen, see them bow at my every word" Brings me to tears. His strength and charisma in those eyes and brows...the gait of his walk, his perfect voice in real time. "Mr. speilberg's luck, thats what he's missing". Only he dares to mock. And ahh...that tattoo on his neck. Delicious. Chocolate. Still. Today's a holiday...yeah a holiday, from people. Home all alone, I wonder if it's this serene sense of recluse I'll feel or loneliness when I have a house of my own. Unexpectedly, I saw him yesterday, just as that dreadful lesson was starting. Truth be told, I wouldn't have attended the lesson if it wasn't for a final presentation. But there he was, suddenly walking towards me with every...

the wane of streets Some years ago, the family was happy that they were getting married. They met since sec school, she got a license so that she could ferry him to and fro from army with a borrowed pickup, then you see my godfather beaming proud as a peacock accepting congrats from our relatives at the banquet. A fairytale marriage. Soon their business thrived, they moved from a big house to a bigger house. Nevermind the renovations set them back by 1.2mil. I so aspired to follow their footsteps then. I used to love goin to my godparents' house, mostly funded by my godbro's booming business. I used to love being treated like a little princess who stayed over from time to time. I missed those nights I can still hear my grandma sleeping beside me. Now they have kids. A noisy bunch, and i stopped popping by. I can't stand all that drool and fights to see who gets to hold this ah yee's hands. And now... we wonder what will happen to the kids. They're getting a divorce....

Some people you love But why do we fight? Some say... small fights bring people closer, some big events bond. But cracks appear each time there's a fight... and no matter what they all say, negativity takes root whether you choose to admit it or not, and manifests. Your relationship will never be the same again. I dunno how to put it, and most of u will probably think i'm just being too pessimistic, but when a first crack appears... you know you won't be able to emerge from the relationship at the end of time, hand in hand. Not exactly what you had in mind huh? Yeah, people will go "maybe it's not as bad as it seems", others will seek to fix the problem. Usually we all end up trying too hard... because they matter too much. Or maybe subconsciously we don't want to face another failure. But it all leads to a same ending. And the first crack's the sign. There wasn't any reason that prompted me to write these. Ok maybe there was. But I don't think...

Sometimes... Watching Prince and Froggy (Wang Zi bian Qing Wa) these days (I made that title translation up). The storyline's just like a manga, with memory loss, sweet sweet love, and good-looking male lead. I like the process of how they encounter obstacles manipulated by fate...because I like to see others experience the same helplessness I felt. But when they go into a stagnant lovey-dovey scenario, it gets boring and I switch channel. Well... it's part of plot development because you gotta understand how much they've been through n love each other before you can fully impact the effect of the loss later. I'm a scriptwriter.. believe me I know. Just that I have a choice not to see those impeccably boring parts; Why watch something to remind myself I can't feel that "awwww so sweet" feeling that a reasonable man on an omnibus, clapham would? (Source: Real Estate and investment Law module syllabus) At least... at the real sad parts I can manage to feel p...

The beginning of the End Crept a dream up my pillows last night... It showed me a crystalball... Of a possible future. 'Twas the day before my big day, my closer friends turned up for the final rehearsal at the cathedral. There I was, playing the fool and entertainer... cuz i keep forgetting where to stand or take the que to move. I've never been to a church wedding. So I dunno. The pastor was exasperated, my groom mildly amused, and of cuz my friends... cheeky and funny with smiles wreathed onto their faces. Though they laugh at me, I felt happy amongst their jibes and jeers. Finally with the rehearsal over, several closer girl friends and i went back to the hotel room where the next day's preparations were to be made. Think we drank a little, because my world was tipsy..we were laughing hard when they finally stumbled down the corridor towards home. I peeked next door at my family. Only my dad's in the room, watching tv. I told him I was going to school for something....

Bora Bora Islands This is probably one of my more colorful pictures ever posted. I feel happy when I think of this place. I wanna go borabora islands... got to know of this place some time ago when he sent me a picture of the palms from bora. Though he ripped the pic off national geographic page only cuz it was nice, I fell in love with the place immensely. Like an undeniable obsession, I started researching on the place, planning my own route because there doesn't seem to be any available in the regular travel agencies... And I discovered its not a trip for peepz who just want a relaxing retreat by the beach because to get to bora you gotta change flights then charter cruise/helicopter from the nearest airport. Activities there does not include lounging in ur hotel watching the sea, but action-boosted with snorkling, scuba, sailing, yatching, shopping, etc etc instead. Definitely not for the chillers. Which, therein... lies the challenge. I like. But of cuz... such a trip to the p...

Half-casted Shadows How can you falter, when stand you don't How do you stutter, when speech leaves you How do you cry, when tears don't fall How do you die... when you don't live at all. Au contrary to my usual feeling at arriving here, I'm feeling okay tonight. At peace, I would say, after a moderately busy day, a short outing, 2 hrs catching up on my Zs, a jumbled dinner of brocolli and fish, and finished part of my report. Not bad for a day. About the outing...It's true, that I don't feel that much anymore. For now its a good thing. At this extent, this point in time. It's pretty sad walking away today like many times I've done in the past. Slightly amused that i still feel that way, but glad that the degree of sadness has mellowed. Maybe indeed im stronger... or it may just be my cynism level has just leveled up. (shing!) But I sleep too much these days. At first I thought I was falling sick. But apparently not... *shrugs* just feel like closing my...

Roses for my birthday Think they're white roses. White, untainted, fresh, elegant. So not what I am. Coming is the day marking my 21st year of existence in this world. Entitled i am, to a one small wish. Will this year's come true, because 21 is an important number? I dunno. My wish every year since 18 has always been the same. When would I be able to move on to another wish? Would this year be the last I repeat, finally? I believe in the power of wishes. I believe in miracles. I believe in forgiveness. I believe you all didnt hurt me on purpose. I believe... if one wished hard enough... Providence would grant him his wish... maybe not entirely in the way he'd expected it to be, but close enough. I believe...I want to believe. Au contrary to what I said... I don't want a boyfriend. I just want to stop feeling the way I feel towards him, stop wanting to talk to him, stop longing to see him, stop making an irritant outta myself. It's making both him and I hate myself....

Epilogue When i first saw this picture, i was enthralled by the darkness of it.. the simple black and white lines of clover who represented Hope but eventually died without realising her dreams. But she looked past the bitterness and disappointment, and consoled herself that at least she got near. Maybe I was captured by the juxtaposition of the colors of gloom against what she represented(Hope), or mayhaps t'was my mocking response to her story that made me download it. "I would not have been able to..." I am bitter... more bitter that I would admit. Coupled with my superb acting skills I manage to cover up just about every ounce of bitterjuice when questioned by friends. I don't want to make them worry... haha who am i kidding... it's more of pride... i know i should move on, so make them think so. But the latter is doing more damage than if i didn't try to cover up. The soil i heaped on is choking me instead of keeping the bugs out. Bitterness. It hurts us ...

Mind of her own Need some beauty tonight. Been immersed too long in the air of those who exercise extreme intellectual brain activities; It's suffocating. I want to see the stars, splashes of blue, black, gray and white, the emerald green coastlines, the silent rain. I want to see life captured in stillness: Photos that literally breathe. I want to see fiction in pictures, reality in paint. I need a dose of beauty, a pinch of art to balance my life at present. T'was a serious temptation to paint my own, knowing I can, and it's been so long since I held brush or charcoal. But I don't have time to stop... caught in this ratrace I don't even know if light at the end of the tunnel exists. The radio repeats songs...just like life repeats my days. Each week passes in a flurry, just like the last. The content of each lesson is different though, but my feelings before and after each session remains so similar I oft loose track of dates. I feel being pulled along, because I ...

twining thoughts Got a little book of thoughts from a friend today... it reminded me of the times when I sat down in front of my desktop and words simply flowed from my fingertips, to become dancing literature on the occasionally-blinking screen. I thought to write a book too, but was daunted by the ridiculity that few years down the road I would look back, and feel diminished by the thoughts I may have now. Or maybe even then. Take an example... I may think that smoking is bad now. Even distanced myself from a friend some years back because he picked up the habit; I just couldn't accept it. Now, as I think of it, I'm still against it, but slightly more accomodating towards social smoking. Yet who knows several years yonder, I may be the one chimney I proclaim my very detest. When I look back, would I chuckle at my narrowmindedness now, or would I feel the pinch that I deteriorated to smoking habits, now hooked and buried in narcotine's clutches? Either way... I'll look...

Playing for none I felt Time leave me... Trapping me in void No fluidity of passage None could escape. Torn... like an estranged kite I lost... Before I could fight. Don't wanna end up like that. You have new friends now... I guess that's a natural phenomenon. When our timetables don't allow us to meet up, it's reasonable you get new friends. I would. But I can't help but notice... when I ask for just a day out, you're occupied. Are you avoiding me, or are you just tired? Even when i'm sharing so much, it doesn't seem enough... why? I'm not complaining... maybe it's true we're all busy; maybe I'm not one of your priorities; maybe you want fresh faces... but I hope you realise, your old friends need you, especially when none of us left each other. I just hope for those few hours that you may put aside for me... like I put mine for you.

-- silhouettes -- I said I'll let go... but i didn't think I'll let go of so many people, of so much. I let go of a friend... then another... and soon there'll be another another. Might as well get it over and done with... then no more lies... no more rehearsed lies to cover up what I truly feel. Would you still insist on a relationship that's no longer plausible? Yeah, indeed the definition of plausible may be subjective, but what wrong is it to claim it's not working out, when every time I breathe the same air as you, I feel miserable? Tell me what wrong it is when I try to discuss what went wrong, you simply say you're sick of my accusations; I'm being ridiculous? The harder I try... each time i try to be nice... I just end up being hurt. Why be this sadomasachist... why shouldn't I stop? Once and for all... just quit. That's what I did tonight... maybe the sadness hasn't set in yet, maybe it will surprise me by never setting in. I realise...

Leaving you the bouquet Now... finally after all this time... I let go, leaving Hope, dreams, and others behind, buried at a grave where you don't lie ... with a fresh bouquet.. and wine. Many things have happened. Or should I start with those that didn't. Pardon me for not writing... I'd been drowned, in tears so dark with agony, with air so thick you thought you'll die...and none to mourn my departure. I merely woke up. Sick and tired of being... sick and tired. Readjusting the radar screen was an action by choice. Try or no try, you'll never show up on the screen no more. -- Ernie. That seemed right... no matter how I try... no matter what I try... it would never be what I wish it to be again. I'll just end up being the jester, tripping all over myself just to make things work. This is just like another jt case. The harder you try, the harder you'll fall. Which made me wonder... who the faggot said 'He who never tries will never succeed.'? Why t...

A Little Girl's Post Images of how lovingly he looked into her eyes kept surfacing... how he held her hand when he didnt need to...the familiar way of how he lifted their hands slightly when they went down the steps. I made myself stay and take in everything. Haha.. maybe I'm really a sadomasachist like what some of my friends say. It hurts but I saw it through. Maybe.. he did all that just as an act so as to get the prize. But it still had an effect on me, though it's seriously not his fault. I really shouldn't be feeling the way I do too. So...feeling down, I went for a walk along clarke quay...past those many curious stares from merry-making people along the clubs. The bridge was nice... the river was a deep dark blue, comforting in its way. I know nobody realised I was gone, which was probably a good thing because I could be alone. When my phone rang I was half tempted to call up my friend to ask him not to leave, and take up his offer of drinking by the roadside. B...

Today... I cried. It was a wonderful day, really... until we decided to buy a packet of hair dye and I was entrusted the job. To say I screwed up was an understatement... dunno why I even agreed in the first place... but the color was too blond and the texture uneven. I suck at this man, peepz out there... dun ever tell me to dye your hair unless you can't get an MC to let u stay home for the next few months. Usually I would laugh it off after truckloads of apologies, even volunteer a salon trip the next day. Of course I'll pay for the repairs.. but.. couldn't withstand the response when my friend first saw his hair color in the mirror. I think I'm glad he didn't kill me. With what that sounds like sacarsm or even jeering, he muttered "I can't believe you let the dye stay so long". Okay, perhaps I deserved that... but when i volunteered the salon trip he simply slapped it down, "Don't be stupid la... I don't believe in wasting money"...

It rained since that day Knowing this is not good to my health... im unable to draw back from its lures, dares, and possibility of unexpected pleasure. This drug is too sweet to withdraw from, yet like any other toxins it poisons my blood. Slowly. My mind's been saying I'll be able to pull out anytime if I'll just set my mind to it... but this may fast become a thing of the past. A very good showing sign of uncontrollable addiction is the familiar ache. It consumes my mind over time. I know if I don't back up slowly, it may just destroy my functionability one day. And I mean soon. It's damp and cold in here. The rain.... oh the elixir of life now seems the catalyst of death. The water's pooling around...waiting to drown. The wind whispers heresay, which sounds suspiciously like persuasion of death. "Maybe it's better than living. Just close your eyes and sink in. Think about it." ~~..~~ It's not quiet... I don't hear only drip drip... bu...

Holding On Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there I do not sleep... Heard this song behind ALIAS the other day...though I only got to hear a part of it, these two lines have branded themselves onto my mind. June is here... and with it brings a yellow mellow to everything; Not the kinda sick yellow draft, but a bright, cheery, lemon-yellow sparkle. I see the 12 months in respective colors. Holding on... holding on... holding on to this new budding seedling of beauty, as I watch the world unfold anew. Now... if only there's someone I could share this with, Someone who'll just understand what it is that takes my breath away....... Just staring out the streets.

It's the season to turn 21 Yesterday was shuhui's birthday celebration. Yeah she celebrated it early with mit and I... had lotsa fun eating at Sakura International Buffet. You ask how the hell 3 gers find so much fun each time we meet up? Haha.. first we couldn't find the lift to go up to the restaurant; could only see the signboard from where we were. Circled the building couple of times but in vain... felt like a complete fool especially when we climbed the dark stairway and encountered a nutcase uncle looking for macdonalds. Called the restaurant and they told us to look out for lifts beside a spectacle store... but i swear there was nothing beside the optician. So pissed as I was, I grabbed a lady outside the optician and asked for directions. Turned out the lift was beside a BRA STORE... wow... big giant spectacles INDEED... in many colors and sizes summore. Wow~ food at the International buffet restaurant was rather nice, alot of choices, but they're sorta lacking...

Love song for the loner Had a dream... That I spent some happy times with a guy that makes sharing laughter possible. The feeling was wonderful; to be able to laugh unexpectedly, with him, rolling with laughter uncontrollably at silly things we do together. But as I knew more about him, it was clear he belongs to another. They've been together for quite some time now... he sorta took it for granted that they'll stay that way. He's starting to venture elsewhere for adventure, excitement that courtship and hazy relationships might bring. There has been many before me, but this time he's really caught himself too deep. We share too much. He cares too much. Before we could figure out what to do, or what(or who) he really wants, she knew about it. She left and avoided him. He was frantic... he became a total wreck.. he was... insane. Seeing him like this... it pains me. I understood how much she meant to him. He just didn't realize it; Whenever I ask what his grounds wer...

A fragile surprise "Hey you know about JW?" "err.. nope. What abt?" "He passed away in a bike accident last week. On the spot." No, I didn't know about it... and it's probably because people didn't think I knew him. Well... I know him, though not on talking terms, I still remember his face. And at that moment when my friend informed me about this, his bubbly smiling face came into mind. Something jumped inside me... i dunno what it is... but it made me afraid. Life is, that fragile. You'll never know when you're going to lose the people you love tomorrow. And they would never know you love them if you didn't get to tell them before that. It made me doubt also how worth it it is to keep yourself healthy, abstain from excessive drinking, smoking, high carbohydrates, fattening food... when all it takes is an unlucky ambush, and a minute to die. So... smoke more, drink more, indulge while you still can. And go grab you phone and call th...

The Beginning or is it The End Your image is fuzzy. As I try to recall how you speak, how we knocked against each other and gelled then, I don't remember. Should I feel sad about this? Maybe...I feel a little anger at the realization of how you viewed me then. But it's not what I don't deserve, given the stuff I say and stuff I do. But now I know more. Though not yet as much as you do, it's ample for self-evaluation without bias. Screw it, I'll cross the bridge when it comes.

He's coming back Spoke on the phone with jeff today... and he mentioned ick's coming back soon. "Really? I thought it's June or July?" "Haha but in comparison it's soon enough." Yeah... it's soon enough indeed. Sometimes you really need a total distance between u and someone, and let things happen on their own. Separately. Then you'll be able to see many things with a refreshed perspective. I'm sure that's what he's seeing now too. A new perspective. He's a harsh critic of my life. Don't think I expect any less from him.

Watching 'Life of the Saints'... and I feel the irony behind the words. Life.... is truly unfair. But you just gotta live with it. Sometimes you give too much... only to realise it's unfair the way people just take it for granted how you stood there for them, take care of them. And when they feel its time to move on... they thank you before you part. You did not matter to them, as much as they did to you. Each of us have our own dark secrets. It's not how well you keep your secrets, but how well you deal with them. The ability to judge whether it is best to keep them buried, or reveal it to be truthful, is what differentiates us all. Will you guard yours till your grave? Or will you break under pressure? Violent reactions, tears, blood and shame... They come... but they're the truth.. afterall. And once again, each of us have our own dedicated endings... who knows you may get forgiven, who knows you'll lose your mind. Hate... does a whole lot in screwing us up. ...

Aimless thoughts under the cloudless sky Anyone ever caught yourself smiling at the clouds? Perhaps you simply didn't look up enough. Ever wondered how it looks like from the clouds' point of view? Looking down at the puny earthlings, meadowful of flowers they've watered for centuries. Anyone ever caught yourself reminiscing the past? Maybe you didn't look back oft enough. Ever wondered how those whom you've left behind are doing? Found new friends, improved social status, the very things you didn't get to see through with them. Just that day kitty and I were discussing after a tiring day of shopping, about this friend of ours. She expressed her surprise at the turnout. She'd expected the girl to be me. My response was a simple shrug... something inside me probably agrees. But then again, I cannot imagine that happening. To be honest, there was a period of time where something in me responded to him. But it has always been shrugged off because I value our fr...

They're back From time to time, phantoms from the past will catch up with you, and from there you realised, just how much you've moved on. Most of the time, you feel so proud of yourself. Other times... you wonder why they've come back. They were the ones who'd left you then. But then, why do you care...? They can't hurt you anymore. So it doesn't matter now that they're back and you're all friends again. Or can they? Will they work into your little heart again and hurt you once more? Will they melt your heart by saying they're sorry for all the stuff they've done? They're sincere indeed. You feel it. But do you just refuse to acknowledge it, or you hurl all defences out of the window and gift them a 2nd chance? It's all a test of the strength of the mind. Yes, sometimes it does work out the 2nd time. But being a cynic, I can't help thinking what those chances might be. I can't see the future. But I can hear my intuition screaming...

Kite Flying Sometimes... we give too much. We get tired of contributing. We hope to be able to get any amount of reciprocal. Just that nitty litty bit, to justify that all the givings weren't out of folly. Sometimes... we are too understanding. When we see them so tired, so in need of help. We don't bear to ask them to do things for us. We know it's the right thing to let them go home and rest. It's not right to ask them to do things for you, no matter how much you yearn for it. The art of give and take reminds me of kite flying... u gotta tug and release at appropriate times, and depend on the feel of the string tension. Too loose your kite will tumble; Too tense the string will snap. Don't tug nor pull, our kite will always remain at that height. If you're lucky enough the wind's persistent. But we all know the wind won't always stay around... so gotta catch winds on a higher path by flying higher. Sigh... I don't feel like kite-flying anymore. Wis...

Lonely souls & Silent streets. Please don't think of me If you do you gotta block it I got chills tonight And you can't be here to stop it I'm not a parasite It's just a lonely night Tonight. ---Robbie Williams, If It's Hurting You. It's kinda relaxing these days. Work seems so far away. The irony is, it shouldn't be this way. I see others' work piling up. But as I look at my workbin, there's no kanbans waiting for me. There are other worries...problems rather. Talks about plans, health, money. Much as hopes that life would simply remain thus, I know there's more expected of me, in terms of contributions, in many many aspects. I'm so sick of people's expectations Leaves me tired all the time If your home's full of useless aggravation Then don't bring it to mine. --- Robbie Williams, Singing for the Lonely. From time to time, these songs play in my mind. Yet Other times... The silence overwhelms them a...

Waiting for the right train. Life is... monotonous these days, as my pictures do tell. "Your pictures, they probably speak more than your words." Suddenly, his words came drifting into my mind again. Its about a trait of mine that I didn't realise. I smile. I don't miss him anymore... The days to his return seems to draw near with accelerated pace. 'Twas sweet the way he conveyed his reminiscence of me But I don't know what will happen when he finally comes back. And somehow... I don't think anything will happen after all. Because I don't think that's what I want... And neither does he. Haha. Okay so I digressed. I've a feeling I'm drifting along the currents... Content to watch others scurry downstream alongside, Waiting for something to happen. And something tells me... Many small things are gonna happen before the big wave hits. Gotta make the right judgements, not to be brought down by the small waves,...

Not myself these days... Like a drunken state of mind... I drift around aimlessly, Stretching awake hours endlessly Knowing non when to sleep. Guilty of self-contradictions Laid out and tried Jailed in my own abyss... Sentenced to life. And what a life... this is.