~ Ephemeral Visage ~

*Roses as my only company* To say I am not upset would be a lie... And to learn the news from another in such a manner, It's a little hard to convince myself that it's alright, I should just let it pass...we're still able to be the way we were. Suddenly I'm very tired. I wanna end whatever game we've been playing, because the rules aren't fair. I can't keep up with you, being your good friend when you're not honest with me yet I have to pretend things are still the same between us. Now I'm suddenly very alone too, because I just realised speaking to our other friend doesn't work. He doesn't see what I'm trying to explain. I'd hoped there was at least someone who'll understand, but I got even more upset after talking to him because he splintered that hope. This incident made me see a red blinking light in our friendship. Jt once said, "the next time u wanna be angry at someone and keep away from them, at least...

Men are event-driven. Many guys I know have more freedom in their youths than now, and they reminisce their carefree days, be it catching spiders under rocks or guppies in drains, police and thief or pepsi cola. They were unburdened with responsibilities and what they now know they ought to accomplish. They know they gotta plan now, for their future. Currently they're at the age where they are either doodling away in muddy green uniforms, or mugging pretty hard for a laminated piece of paper. And soon after they near 30 they'll think it's time for a life-long companion. A wife. Perhaps not in the truest sense of the word, but still a Wife. I appeared too early before you were event-driven to seek someone you can place your Love with. Despite everything, I will attend your wedding. I will wish you eternal maritial bliss. I will tell you I'll always be your friend, and always be around. I will ask you to drop by once in a while, or give me a call. You ...

I never had a christmas tree. Didn't know what I was missing all these years Lights and ribbons and glistened tears Bake you a gingerbreadman Honey Turkey and smoked ham Chestnut o'er fire in a pan Whispering our future plans I wish I had a christmas tree. Who would have thought I could fall so in love (With) Jazz and wine and cheerful mirth To kiss under the mistletoe Making love amidst the snow Fireplace warning off the cold Sharing secrets till we're old. Sigh... Missing you, has made me a poet. Merry Christmas... From me to you. Nee amata wo mitsukete soshite midoto wasurezu Domma mi mume ga itakutemo soba mi iru mo zutto...zutto....

Decided to thrash my router~ gonna call my computer geek uncle for a solution or a change of router soon. Ransacked through my cupboard and found a stack of Christmas cards I probably bought years ago but forgot all about them. Sifting through the lot of them, I gingerly picked out 7 with the intention to send out to some of my closer friends. But I realized just as I was decorating the first to my grandoter, that for someone who can write tons of words with a flourish of my pen(or fingers), I was clueless as to what to write for a simple xmas card. Should I pen down how important they were to me over the past one year? Should I disclose how much I've missed the others who haven't stayed in contact? Or should I simply pin some well-wishes that sounds real hollow to the blank spaces? Hmm I realize I have the same problem with writing birthday cards. I prefer giving presents and labels. I put the unfinished card aside. My current mood's just not right for writing and decora...

My router's working up again. I can't surf the net; not as if there's anything interesting to surf these days with people disappearing to their own programmes. I put my notebook aside. There's nothing much to write tonight. Took a warm shower to exorcise the melancholy in the air, and now my hair's damp and screaming in protest against drying up in the cold aircon draught. My best friend's finally coming back tomorrow from Hong Kong. Wonder what she bought for me during her trip. She's one hectic shopper I tell you, not to mention a compulsive buyer. I can't help but smile at the image of her carrying more shopping bags than both her hands can carry. I love her that way. The radio is playing some jumpy song. How I wished I had my maksim cd with me, I'd have loved to play his songs through, close my eyes and let him dance his fingers across the keyboard for me. It's a greatest honour to have someone play for you. I switched my mini compo to CD...

Little things you don't usually notice as your transport zooms past. A little boy dumping his bottle over the bridge into the drain, Vehicle in front splashing water onto a lone passenger at the bustop. The tree lizard scurrying to the tree next door. Such little stuff...how many actually notice them like I do? Long bus trips usually make me nostalgic. The drumming of the engines make me think.. Of philosophy, of what I want, how i should go about getting it. And evaluation of the current life I'm living. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I dislike the way he talks. He comes across initially as a friendly guy who is always too enthusiastic to help. But one would know better as time goes by that this habit to help is actually a by-product from his over-confidence in himself, that he can do almost anything, even if it's something he knows nuts about, as long as he has a try in it, he'll definitely succeed. And as if that's not arrogant eno...

Just as my hotmail page is taking its own sweet time loading, I've this sudden urge to write. Today was a day easily passed, just sitting around in the shop, idling, watching my grandma and mummy attending to customers, peeling onions, packaging dried foodstuff etc. This little kid came into the shop with a very chatty grandmother. She was kawaii..very very beautiful. I offered her a roller coaster ring. She took it shyly, watching my eyes ever so cautiously. Without breaking that precious eye contact, I withdrew a ring and put it slowly into my mouth, and chewed. She followed. I smiled. She smiled back. I felt the first spurt of joy since the start of the week. Such a simple thing, yet it brought me warmth. I love this period..it's when everything is so still, so calm; and yet I live with no grudge of the stagnant air, but at ease with myself. I would describe it as Serene, if not for the image that is linked with that name. Serenity wouldn't fit too, because I get rem...

Finished the song with Rei today.. I think our previous MARY didn't take as long to record as this time travel piece. But I really like this piece..maybe the next sad one I'm going to get my brother to make his debut with his er hu together with my piano. Or maybe Rei with her cello. Hey hey watcha think rei? Composing usually lifts my spirits. Because there's the thrill of the deadline, the flow of ideas, the sense of achievement that you've successfully moulded something that's yours. You don't have to wait or hope for people to give you what you like/wish for, nor worry about any consequences of owning it. I think I understand what the creator of Frankenstein felt... before the superstitious villagers wedged his creation away.

What is it I truly want, Out of this meaningless pursuit for happiness Knowing fully I cannot get anything from you. What is it I truly feel, To love you, or to draw away from you The first something I can't help but the second a choice. I went to sleep last night feeling the full force of the rejection The dejection, my futile efforts of hoping you'll feel for me The drug numbed me, I let sleep relieve me of the pain. With a choice, and the pain, I went to sleep last night with the decision Of extracting myself from this situation, To love myself a little better (since you couldnt) Yet this morning when I roused from sleep, a voice whispered ever so softly Asking me to be true to myself, to face loving you, even if it means getting nothing in return. You think I'm writing of the one before you, But I think so much tears over the years is enough To repay any emotional debt I may owe him in previous lives. Yes seeing him still has an effect on me...

This trip....I had ALOT of fun.. if i ever get to show you the photos you would agree too, from my sunny blasting smiles, and the affectionate gestures, poses, hugs. The wild abandon to glee. This trip was supposed to be a soul-searching trip. A rebirth. I felt thus all the way until a few minutes ago. -tick tock- :: -tick tock- Time has a funny way of delivering stuff. You never know what will appear on your screen the next second you click a link. Yes, there is a reason to the Melancholy I am feeling. Let's see how many of you can actuallly guess it. I feel...like the world is closing in. The room is getting smaller and smaller.. Once again I have been reduced to being insignificant again, I'm forced to realise all along my Dream had been an illusion. I'm struggling to hang onto the surface, The rabbit hole dark and bottomless beneath me. But my hands tire..the muscles scream in protest. The mind is so very dejected.. You were the...

Shivering, I know naught whether from the chilling breeze, Or nostalgia of an inner bonding I knew That'd once been a familiar tune. Three scorched hearts, aimed for healing.. A promise we gave each other, it would seem. Lined ashore, Like beached whales in tow, We laid, heads almost touching, Shoulders almost touching, Hearts almost touching. The stars so shy up high We can't see your flaws tonight So tell me why.... do you hide? The water so dark below I love your lovely reflections so, Hey, please would you cease to flow? If only Time could stand still then. A decision made, Though the wound cuts deep/clean, The leaf falls froms tree even in absence of the wind. Though we haven't a history with each other, Let us maketh a Future together So that stories dont only have You or Me , And let that be Our History.

There she was... a glimpse out of nowhere.. a holograph given flesh, walking past me, Sparing nary a glance my way. Wrapped in a pink shawl, heeled sandles, spag and naturally black straight long hair, she screams feminism. Conversely, I was in flare pants, cheeky shoes, three-quart sleeved collar shirt. Hair a rebellious brown and gold-tipped. No one would have thought we know each other. But I know her, she knows me. We're different as night is from day. But I know her, She knows me, All because of a guy jt.

Xmas xmas xmas songS.... Wonderful, aren't they? Especially now when I know all along I've liked Jazz... "To me, Jazz and christmas always go together..." *smiles* An apt analogy he used to appeal for understanding... No, like what I've said, no one's gonna be able to force him To do what he doesn't want to, nor not ready to. Especially not me. It's strange how people are able to change over these years, The relationship that were there initially but never explored Due to teenage awkwardness. All these years I've been wondering what became of us few childhood friends, Now I've finally got the answer. Perhaps this is a little hint from Time to tell me to wait for her To finish her healing/what she has in mind to do, Before attempting stuff that would blow the entire situation away. If so, this leaf shall wait ever so patiently, Withholding her feelings from the tree, until Time proves right.

Finished the 2nd paper today, Not very well done, but that's what I deserve i guess, For not attending lab sessions, lectures, last min revisions.. But did enough not to fail. And as long as I'm still smiling, I'm contented. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Missing a tune you play so well for my heart, Missing the beats you drum silently onto me. You say you don't know music well, But look, what melody you play... That led me Dancing through the night for you. Will you play, tonight? Just for me.....

So fast... so fast... It's Christmas again. It seemed only last year it was cold and lonely, The rain pelting down harshly, drowned out my whimpers. This year.....things are different... The people are different. I'm different. And probably the whole blardy world is too. I'm not entirely happy now due to several happenings these days But then again, compared to last year, Things sure look prettier and brighter 'round here. Sleep tight, my friends, Let's share our tomorrows together.

He said "sorry"... Dare I ask him whether that Sorry is for not loving me, Or for making me think that there was a possibilty Or was it only for the sms(es)? each time the tide crashes me against the shore, I succumb more and more to the tug of the backwash I am afraid of reaching out.. Believing less and less that I'm able to swim to shore. Hence I am floating in the tidal zone.. Drifting with e Swash... Backwash... ~~~Swash~~~Backwash~~~ Afraid to reach out to shore. believing less and less that I'm able to swim to shore.

He knows.. And he extricated himself. He left. It's the howling of the emptiness and Cold That confirmed Love once existed... Very soon, I won't even be able to watch The footprints he's left in the snow.

As you stand lonely in front of me The melancholy that flows from your back captivates me I want to embrace you with a nonchalant love Beneath your smiling face Only unbelievable words are baring their fangs You are looking for love in those fragments One day, a selfish voice humming a song will reach you And in that very moment this world is going to change What are we going to find By shredding time I will be by your side If that is gentleness What are we going to set our eyes on? The truth that you grabbed By extending your hand Let it go Let us trust each other The way you gaze at a spot far away means you're listening to the voice of your heart and still holding the blue moon. Your strength, shown in your will to keep on running Will open yet another new door Light up the night which will soon go Even if I am alone, I want to believe in you In that very moment this world starts to go round What are we going to find By spitting out our hea...

I know all along it has been me and my hormones.. Haha. I think it's time to wake up from my small world And take a look from the bigger picture outside in. This is another lesson he taught me indirectly, Without words, nor any special incident happening, He made learning this valuable lesson possible, With the posting of a photograph on Friendster That reminded me I'm not the only female around. There's a world full of beautiful stuff out there, People, Nature, Art. Having a beautiful face is just not enough anymore. Time to wake up...*piak piak* And start holdin on to sanity.

He's The first to tell me I'm not the person he supposingly know, Yet does not keep his distance. He isn't so full of himself that he judges my duo personality traits, One whom I didn't expect a sms from but was happy when it came. "Hey thanks for the company man, I had a great day... tell me when you reach home..ok..just wanna know you're safe." Such simple words, often received from many of the ppl I know around me, But from him, I'm surprised that he cares. He knows what he wants in life, even from the start of his jc life, And that is an achievement cuz he's been able to establish his stand, And lead, plus maintain the life he wants to, ever since then, which is nearly 6 years ago. Other than this, he's admirable for his vast knowledge, supersonic memory, As well as the passion for life; The impetus to at least try everything once. This enthusiasm for maxing out life is contagious.. I feel my days less bleak when he's...

I saw dear Ben's photo on last week's Sunday Times, Posing for the columnist under his article "Shoulders To Die For". The picture was almost half a page.. imagine my reaction when i flipped the page~ WOW!. Hohoho... of course I cut it out.. Though I haven't the faintest idea where to paste/keep it. He looks thinner than before, maybe his playworks were stressful, Or was it just the camera and the lights.. Realised I missed him.. missed dancing, with him, and watching him. Hope he's doing well... But then again, people are always doing well/better without me.. oh well~~ *shrugs*

It's hard not to notice the new killer in our population nowadays, with all the hooha on the media these days about seeking help for Depression. Also in recent Straits Times forum there's been a lot of opinions about how to cope with friends or family who are going through Depression. And of course there are some typical Singaporean who are ignorant of Shame, totally condemning people who have Depression as "Weak and totally to have themselves to blame for", "Deserve little sympathy". Yes, I applaud your courage to speak up But it is your oh-so-selfish-Kind that makes me refuse To proclaim myself a Singaporean when I'm abroad. It makes me wonder if your comments are borned out of fear towards what people with Depression are capable of. Murder, perhaps. It is a shame enough to be harboring such opinions, Much more announce it so proudly. Well, thank you but I don't think these people are looking for YOUR SYMPATHY You can hug it t...

Exploited a First today...The First of shopping for Diamonds! (Though I'm not the intended buyer) Went Lee Hwa Jewellery at Westmall with qiaoyan Because she is a LH member, entitling her to 20% discount all year round Plus a $100 bucks birthday voucher.. so we went shopping for diamonds~ After rounds of picking she finally decided on a glam-style dangling pair. She described it as "something I(me) would like", which is very true. I always liked glam stuff... And in case you're wondering whether I got earings too, my answer would be apparently you don't know me enough if you thought I will get earings...(cuz I did not pierce my earlobes!) But the earing was really pretty, with a diamond at the lobe and silver strands tailing from the diamond... it ain't cheap wor~ I think looking at her wearing it would be enough to satisfy my lust for glam.. haha.. she made a promise that the next time she steps into LH She would be able to afford earings ...

Here... certain updates are in order i guess, firstly, I bought a new phone, the Samsung V200 The one with the 180deg rotating camera~ can start snapping up pictures. Hee... I'm also starting a photo album online with samsung funclub so that you guys can go see your lovely faces. Next, the bad news.. some idiot hacked into this blog and deleted my whole template of htmls, so it took me really hours to get things back into order... The whole template took me weeks to compile, but I'll bet that guy only used a click of a button to erase it off... that *toot!*.. M/O proj is really getting more and more fun.. just that day we finished our filming and went to Angel's restaurant(in nus) to eat dinner(and to film our last scene) my group members actually gave me a DORY plush toy as my bd present! I mean it was already days past... and yet they remembered.. So touched... =)

Happy Birthday to me!!! Thank you you guys who have remembers my birthday... You deserve to be mentioned~ Thanks.. Chuanz, Huixiang, huishi, Vincent, Professor, Meow, Desmond, Ernie Qiaoyanz, Jinglin, Jeffery, Yanmei, Grandoter, Brother(liyangz), Weizhong, Yuanz, HuiQi, Rabbit, Huifang, Wendy, Emily, Liz, Jasmine. Happy Birthday to my brother liyangz!!!! Thank you for sharing the same birth day, you don't know how honoured I am To have a brother like you... =) Lastly...pirates of the carribean was nice... thanks bra and straps for accompanying me to watch it... luv you guys to bits... *yeah*

Yesterday I had fun... He came, and I guess that's the best birthday present I received so far. Because 1. it's my birthday celebration... and 2. I don't need to pester our mutual friends to pass him his birthday present. Though he didn't talk much to me, but alot to others, I guess having him around was enough. Hearing him laugh is even more than I'd asked for... that is if you don't consider the negative stuff in the following paragraphs... Just before he'd decided to leave, I gave him his present. I think he was surprised(he seldom shows any signs of shock) at it's size... that the "thank you" only came a few seconds later. Then he placed it at the door together with his bag and waited for me and orluar to go also(the rest stayed over for mahjong), but then they brought out the surprise cake so our departure was delayed. Then when everything was over, he happily took his bag and walked out of the door...........

Tonight they held a birthday party for me, In conjunction with caichang's enlistment into NS. Present were Jerry, Hongda, Orluar, Desmond, Chengyao, Weiwei, Xiaohao, Ernest, Caichang, and Seok. We had fun...and they took out the surprise cake just when I was about to leave They were short of one candle, so they took the breadstick on the cake as substitute. A thought suddenly passed my mind as I was counting the candles: I am now a much stronger person than I was the last time there were 18 candles on my birthday cake(thank you again grandoter and mit). The difference of one candle actually makes so much difference... I thought I did well for the evening until they started lighting the candles... Memories of the lost-ness I felt during last year's birthday brought me close to tears--- --The waiting for at least an sms from him, the birthday wish that hasn't come true so far, And the way he took his bd present from me without even looking at me... Bu...

I used to have 2 very close friends/seniors. We used to hold events together, successful gatherings that got rewarding feedbacks. The 3 of us ruled ds... made it frying with life. Until one chose his poly life over us, and the other moved on to a girl who makes him miserable through her words and self-centred attributes. He became irresponsible, undependable, unreliable. For him, it's only her. There's no place for me, this old friend who's stood by him Time and again when she stabbed him in many ways I can't be bothered to remember. Even though he's tried to remedy it now that he's supposedly ended their relationship, The drift between us is inrepairable, and it's not because I haven't tried. I can't say I despise him. But that feeling's close. Those times when I approached you for help, but you blatantly refused. Times when you said you'll do something but didn't, and offered silence as your answer. I won'...

I wonder which one is truly me, The one who smiles, and says those warm concerns, Or the one who stares out of the bus windows with cold hard eyes. So far I've found someone who accepts both these two faces of mine In fact he's been around for a long long time, Just that I only realised he's been a form of my strength support recently. I seriously hope that he'll find his freedom from regrets, in order to find happiness. For those who watched "Qian Nu You Hun", there's this part Where Qiye tells XiaoQian he loves her, But she quotes "when two people know each other for a very long time, The feelings for each other eventually evolves to a brotherly love, then to Love. But it might not be at the same pace." Love might have arrived for Qiye but XiaoQian's feelings for him is still at brotherly love, And by proclaiming his love for her at this point he's capped the possibility of Xiaoqian's feeling evolving to Love. ...

I guess by now the whole world should have watched Turn Left, Turn Right So you'll probably understand what I'm trying to say... They say there's a possibility that even 2 parallel lines may meet That I do not counter, because you'll never know what cunning Fate's up to Strange that they always address the latter as Lady Fate, Is it thus that women are generally more conniving? =) Ok I shan't digress... They ask me not to lose hope, because if even parallel lines may meet, One day we may just reconcile. But after pondering over it... It struck me that he and I aren't parallel but perpendicular lines instead, Where after our paths have crossed, from the starting point of intersection, we now branch out oppositely in a 90degrees angle. Outwards. Hence possibility of 2 outward perpendicular lines ever meeting... Is virtually none. Or even if there is, it's kazillion times more minute than parallel ones. But thanks anyway, for the e...

A dry breeze is blowing The city is getting cold I wonder how many seasons have passed without even a sound? All of the people coming and going bear heavy burdens, searching for tomorrow within the heat haze wavering in the distance. Feelings like sand falling through my hands... Back then, the words that pierced my heart suddenly started to throb with pain, but... I've searched for pieces of myself, counting the endless nights all the while. These feelings are becoming so certain I almost lose myself. Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, However far. I wonder, why is the sky so vast? Even though I tried to yell, my voice didn't come and the tears poured out. I wonder where the birds are flying off to, as they slice freely through the wind? One can't return to the same place as it once was in days gone by. Even if I give up my dream like this, I won't suppress my soaring heart. Someday, I want to reach as high as the clo...

"The birds are returning North," I wonder who was it who said that birds are free? It's true they have wings to be able to travel Wherever, whenever they wish to, But if there's no branches or shelters for them to rest on, Maybe they will even begrudge having wings. I guess what one eventually needs is a place That he knows he can return to, at the end of the day, Whether he realises it or not. We live for ourselves, And lead, not live, The coming day.

My past looked me in the eyes tonight. A young girl, a figure out of my past. She glanced into my eyes, turned around, and seated herself. Memories are an interesting things. They are ghosts, dead, trapped in a house that is now inhabited by the living. They are forever traveling the infinite corridors of the mind. Trapped in the castle of my head, they haunt my thoughts. The image of a face turns down the wrong hallway, spectres discover it, plague it, follow it into the innermost rooms of the manor. Like poltergeists, they haunt the living, the present. They torment me, and refuse to leave. I need an exorcism of the mind, I need to purge myself of these old ghosts. Dead and gone, but still hanging on to the edges of my imagination, being pulled back by something as simple as a glance from a girl I don't know. From a girl I once knew. From a girl I know. Who is trapped in the halls of my mind.

I'm scared. So afraid to show I care. Will he think me weak? If I tremble when I speak... What if there's another one he's thinking of, Maybe he's in love, I'd feel like a fool Life can be so cruel, I don't know what to do. Whenever a chance knocks at my door, Trepidation floods my core. I wonder, if it's Fate's ploy once more To crash me six feet beneath Her floor.

Tell me what you were trying to say Or even better, tell me what you didn't say with those words.. Some days I wake up remembering words you whispered against my ears In those dreamy cold mornings when I woke up snuggled warmly in your arms I cant help but wonder about the truth-- whether you had lied to her, or me. But then again knowing the truth won't change what we are now. Not friends, not lovers, but acquaintances fraught with forbidden memories. What trespassed was our secret; something we hope the world never discover If we keep it well and long enough, people will soon forget ever seeing us together.

Some pasts are not meant to be reminisced. You shut up and sit where you have been, Don't pop up on me now and then to destroy Whatever minimal beauty I have left in my world, Yes THE world that you left with nary a backward glance Claiming that it was filled with junk and despondency. And nothing worth remembering. How do you feel now, big celebrity? You refused to let me into your world when i begged you to Left me sobbing in my drain of despair. Now your lies have been disclosed. Do you panic? Do you wake up in the morning fearing your friends will leave you? Or do you wonder how many more people know of your lies With each increasing day? Oh or aRe you now fumbling to sow more lies to meander your way out? And what of your accomplice, that witch who so obediently obeyed Feeding me lies and slashing my heart, time after time? It matters little whether the lies are her idea or yours Because my hatred extends to both, and all that surrounds you. She think...

Some things just doesn't need to be brought out in words. In my world there's no one else but me. And I won't let anyone into my life without knocking. Not now, not ever.

leaflets So many promises, most of them unkept, worse still, forgotten. Who'd come nail you and remind you, it all? I didn't force you to make them. Neither will I blame you if they never saw light. But is an apology too much to ask for if ever you realise that you can't fulfill them? Why do you forget, or worse, Pretend to forget? Each time I gaze into those eyes that regard me in confusion, Asking the question I heard too many times, "Did I really say that?" The hurt slices like a clean cut that doesn't bleed immediately, But gushes torrents of blood thereafter. A promise given, is a promise kept. I haven't so much blood to shed. I'm tired of your wayward promises I'm slumped in my pool of defeat. Just wishing one day you'll look back And reminisce the hopes we've shared. There may be no face attached, To this stubborn sillhoutte in your life who's tried Teaching you the merits of making promises ...