~ Ephemeral Visage ~

I have.... So many things to tell u tonight... So much feelings wound up tightly I can feel my body swelling, My hands trembling My back aching My heart panting My brain racing My eyes drooping My head hurting My lips bitter.... My sanity slipping. Trouble breathing. Miah... I'm sorry I hurt u in the past. I'm thankful u r still willing to talk to me after all these years.... Maybe time really does wonders. I dunno why I dreamt of u... I spent today wishing u wld remember the special bond we shared, n feel that it is as precious. If its anyone... I feel now... I can still trust to really love and dote on me... Would be u. I'm just a little girl, standing in front of a little boy, asking him to love me. I hope this wont be just another pretty little daydream... I choose to believe u will give me a chance to make it up to u, rather than gloat as satisfying revenge flows through u... I can't promise how much I have left in this shell to give to u... But...

I dunno whether I love u more, or I need ur love more.

I think I have it easier...dear... At least when I am upset I have clonazepam... Drift by upon taking it... Maybe 15mins of pain before it works. But u have to go tru it all until something takes ur attention away from it.... Sayang. But I'm sorry I can't stop hurting u.

I got this for myself dear... It keeps me at ease. You know how losing your contact tripped up my life? This makes me calmer. Today I watched ah boys to men. I wondered if u watched it. They featured urban ops. U told me Abt it at ur reservist and I tot its really fun. And I also wondered how dear dear felt on nights u all spend outdoors. I like to hear ppl's army stories. I imagine pp with his tooth missing. Heartache sayang. Goodnight dear. I pray the wind will bring my voice to u. I love u.

I used to berate....'why me?' But deep down... You know, don't you? I was born different and I have always known it. I only dreamt I was normal. After being with the normal people I managed to convince myself my gut feeling could be a misconception from the result of loneliness and pride. Now... I think I can get used to it. Somebody has to take the bottom to let the pit top out. I just happen to be that shit. :)

想念的心，装满了都是你 我的钢琴，弹奏的全是你 我的日记，写的都是你的名 才发现，又另一个黎明。

睡了吧？ I thank The Lord tonight...to be able to hear your voice...and to still be able to write you. I'm still waiting for the letters to arrive... I hope you get them too. Please don't throw them away. Please be moved that I think of you when I'm at a foreign land. Thank u lord, for giving me the opportunity to mail the letters out. Thank u dear, for picking up the phone. Lord please let dear have a good night's rest... Tml is Friday hope he has plans to unwind. Dear dear's job very stressful de. :) thank u lord, lastly, for the chance to love him quietly here from afar...I pray that he thinks of me, and be healthy in this oncoming rainy season. These i pray, in ur son's holy name.... Amen.

Don't wait up for me little one.... 你老是这么说。 It's Halloween tonight love. Don't stay out too late... Spooks are around. I have so much to say to u but they have no meaning... I just stare at the screen and hope your status changes to online. I wonder why. Moon round round. Dedicate it to u my love. Please love me too.