~ Ephemeral Visage ~

Remember the year past... with you. Hello 2005... Let's introduce ourselves, befriend each other like a bunch of freshies, and be kind to each other in the passing days. Last year during this last vestiges of the waning year, we were at a noisy Changi beach, trying our best to cook an emperor chicken, and watching nice transversites. Haha. I forgot who came up with the idea. Come to think of it... I haven't seen him for a year. That's 12 months, 365 days, a darn bloody long time. Which, I think, explains what I'm feeling now. Missing him. I will look back at 2004 from time to time. Will you? It was a year that held as much grief as it did joy for me. So nothing to hold back, let it wane. Slip through our fingers... like sand and grain.

I went away for a while... But nothing seemed changed except My love for Christmas. It seemed so much further away And less meaningful to be worth anticipation. Maybe the vacation changed something in me, Maybe I'm just contented with all I have to attempt to make life better, Or... maybe.. just maybe... I've become less optimistic, that's why X'mas seems less beautiful now. Think I'll take some time to pick up life(here) where I left off... It's debatable whether things will be the same as before, But at least I was happy during my time there, and I'm fine. But tired. Damn tired.

Stayer or Player... This topic came up today. About who's a player... who's the stayer. "Is there a definite player and stayer? Does not being a stayer means you're definitely a player? No gray area? Like say... look at dee, you're definitely not a stayer. Or are you?" Why drag me into the conversation... I was just minding my minced pork noodles. And yes, I was trying to avoid any discussion about myself regarding a relationship at this junction of my life. Because I don't understand what I want anymore after all's that happened. I'm sick of floating around... wanna find someone comfy to lounge and chill with. Does that make me a stayer? Don't think so. Though I'm ok with the idea of marrying this someone if we can make it through to a marriageable age, I don't wish the whole marry idea to be planted right from the beginning of our relationship. It becomes... unnatural. I don't need a spouse to report to just yet. A...

Drugged Oblivion Thinking of someone is like an addiction, that contradicts reason and defies any self-control. It makes you simply picture their faces, their smiles, or any quirky expressions that belongs only to them. But yet thinking of, is different from missing someone. When you miss someone, you wish he's there right this moment, you can talk, laugh, do things you both enjoy together. But thinking... is purely thinking. No simulations, no wish-you-were-heres, just pure reminiscence of his attributes. And you don't feel miserable that he's not here, unlike what missing brings. But then again, it's always difficult to draw a line between missing and thinking... especially when your feelings start to grow with time. Hmmm... I'll deal with that when the time comes. For now... I like the feeling of just thinking. With a silly smile on my face.

Silent December December crept up beside me...silently, unknowingly. While I was hiding in my dreams, it stretched itself beside on my bed, made itself comfortable, and woke me gently with his icy cold fingers to admire the snow-capped masterpiece it had converted the world into. Telling me.... That it's now safe to open my eyes... cuz everything else is as cold as my heart. I'm that much closer to Christmas.