~ Ephemeral Visage ~

I'm looking for someone to talk to tonight... but my friends aren't online. And I don't have enough talk time to call, haha and of course not enough sms to send. By right these days I should have more sms to spare. Because I seldom hear the ringtone (both sms and calling) from my exclusive callergroup anymore. It's sad how things have to change... well its inevitable to change, but it didn't have to be that drastic, does it? *looks at handphone* Ring I say.. ring~~~~~~~~.... =( I'm looking at the end of the tunnel... the bright light painful to look at from my position in the tunnel. I refuse to move towards it, no matter how strong the air shaft is pushing me towards it. We have to reach the end eventually, i know.. but let it not be now. Let me stay here a little longer... I'm closing my senses to your impatience to reach the end. I don't care what you say... how you tug me along... I don't wanna care how much it hurts that you want to get...

Can't help but stared at my fingers and the floor most of the time. So heavy was the impress on my heart that it seemed almost impossible to breathe. At that moment... I knew what I'd landed myself into. Tears welled up behind my eyes as I grew weary of my failed attempts to brighten him up. I wished he would tell me the problem. But I don't wanna probe. It's bad enough to fail as a clown. I don't wanna be an irritating busybody too. So there I was, feeling so helpless because I can't lend a listening ear nor unfog the atmosphere. So what exactly was I doing out there? Why were we out if each of our presence doesn't help each other at all? Just because it was a promise. Truth be told, I'd rather we did a raincheck. Then at least you wouldn't append upsetting me on top of what's already on your mind. Sat in the cinema... the tears I couldn't shed came undone. Of cuz you didn't know... cuz you didn't know how much it hurts to wa...

It's too cold to even breathe. Haven't felt this sensation since the night we spent at upper seletar reservior. Despite the bone-harrowing chill, we refused to leave that dark mysterious pool separating us from the alien civilization. "Heads together, hearts together..." I think I wrote that back then. I've missed you this cold cold night... Can't muster the courage to play the cd you gave. Why did you have to go so far away? But come to think of it... even when wer were still on the same little island, you were always too busy for everyone. At least now, with you half a globe away, we've had time for little conversations. In my mind I'm walking over and over again the path to our reservior. I wanna bring him there. And show him what you've showed me. Miss you. You're a special friend. And always will be.

There's always a side of us that we seldom exhibit to anyone, or even to ourselves, and because of this infrequency, we're unaccustomed to it when it appears. Some games brings out this mean streak in me. And the feeling will linger for some time still... for a while more. Like spirits, maybe this mean streak gives me the surge of courage to put what I feel into words this precious moment: I don't like what you're doing... You're exploiting us because of what we feel for you. I don't like this, because it's unfair to the others. It's not a matter of what I feel for them. I may even hate him/her. Don't question why I'm siding with them. Because the point is about doing what's morally right. When I don't like a guy, I'd rather do without his favours even if he's the only one whom I can turn to to accomplish a certain job. Not because I refuse to work with him. But cus that's fair to him. And If I can do it, I don'...

Nobody would blame us if we hated each other. I'll probably hate myself if I don't. So let's both make things easier... and let our feelings show. Stop correcting the impulses. Don't say we shouldn't hate. You realise... you're not sad that we can never be friends again? Nobody would blame us. Really.

These days... I've been fluctuating between hot and cold. Literally my mood is on the swing. To and fro...to and fro... Its nice if you know at the bottom of the swing you know you'll eventually start swinging upwards again. The keyword is "eventually". Cuz how long it takes... I don't know. But just knowing it will... tells me my world's not ready to end. I've skipped etching some happenings into blogger, because I don't wanna bear them into memory. Some people say it's good to stay happy; or one should strive to be happy every living minute cuz life's too short to waste grumpy. But I beg to differ... It's okay to be pensive when there's nothing uplifting... so that when the happy occasion do happen, the difference in mood will manifest itself manifolds. Imagine 0 as neutral, and happy as 10, unhappy at -10, and pensive hovering around -5 or so. If you're constantly cheerful, say, at 7, when a happy occasion happens, ...

They say... what is reflected as dreams is what your subconscience registers, but its implications not loud enough for you to realize under normal circumstances. If this is true... I wonder why I dreamt of that. Perhaps it's insecurity, perhaps its the warning that its possible for you to be so very angry at me to walk out thus. Maybe its an alarm toll struggling to be heard regarding what I've done recently. Unknowingly. Or stuff I've taken for granted. Anyhow, I was petrified when I woke... and you called me stupid when I related the dream to you. Yeah it may seem stupid, but it made me realise how afraid I was when you walked out on me. And that devastating moment where everything else collapsed, when I knew for certain you wouldn't be coming back for me even if I waited at the exact spot where you left me. The pain was numbing. No it doesn't make sense. How can it be numbing when it hurts so much? It cleared doubts of my feelings. It told me what I want...

Cold lonely night... It's contradicting when I say I don't feel like talking to anyone. It doesn't matter that people try to be around you all the time, when that one time you needed them, they seem to all be tied up somewhere. Or uncontactable. Or just... tired. It happened this afternoon... I took the bus to nowhere. Walked the mall endlessly. The loneliness just kept infiltrating my senses, drugging all shopping interest. To them, its just not me to need companionship. And I didn't press my request. People like thong, I know he will come out if I asked further. But I didn't. Don't ask me why... because you already know. The silence is so stifling... I can hardly breathe. "Then dont," says a voice that hasn't surfaced for so long. A little tinge of nostalgia, a comfy feeling as this loneliness settles. "Your place is with the dark. Why convince yourself otherwise?" I push at the icy arms embracing me. No, I can feel ...

And then I looked up at the sun And I could see Oh the way that gravity turns for you and me And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun And the way that gravity pulls on everyone, on everyone... --- Gravity, by embrace. Look what you've done... made a fool outta me... Felt so displaced by your surprise...I even forgot to thank you. But... it was very sweet. This lingering smile speaks volumes... Ask those who've been around me, how often they saw this smile And you'll know just how much you've accomplished.