~ Ephemeral Visage ~

. I like taking them, though I spent an awful long time learning how to swallow. They made me restful.. and I can slowly smile again... Time don't pass that slowly, and I don't think depressive thoughts. One of them makes me mellow, Two of them makes me sleep... So maybe I should just take more... Hide longer in my dreams. ANd ya.. my friends and doctor can spank me later. If i wake.

I stared motionless at my screen for twenty mins past. Came here because I have alot to express. Yet how difficult it is to convert them into words. I wish I could play the keypads like the piano... it seems music can express them better this very moment. I can almost hear the tune in my head. But there's only the gentle clicking when I hit the keys. I am reduced to trying to express them in the simplest, most direct way. How bad is that. That's what an emotion maelstrom does to you. Having lived with its occasional reccurance for more than a few years now... I can only say... I'm rather used to it. Feeling numb. I guess everyone is entitled to mood swings now and then. Some more frequent than others... and then there's the difference in intensity. I'm not a stranger to that. But.. I will never ever want to subject people dear to me to it. And even when I'm in a bad mood instigated by external factors, I wouldn't take it out on them. Which then ...

Perhaps... I miss the times when I didn't know your feelings. But even after I knew, I wasn't the one who pulled away. Though I never wanted to think how things could turn out if you didn't suddenly leave, I still feel a pang of hurt when I think of how you can just decide to leave. Obviously we didn't matter enough. I thought I watched you leave, and expected an end. But you keep coming back... and that's even worse than never seeing you again. At least when you're not around anymore I reminisce you once in a while, as how things were. But now, I keep seeing the person who wears your face, your voice, but not you. I see how you try to smile each time you see me. But the warmth doesn't reach your eyes. It doesn't matter I don't see myself in your eyes anymore. It just displaces me to know you don't laugh half as much as before. It's a little tingling feeling, but that's all it is. I feel enough to watch out for you.. but not eno...

I'm happy... truly. Because you made my life more colourful.. And I wish... I could simply do the same. Just these simple words to tell you... In the plainest ways... But let my actions convey how I smile within, For as always, they speak forth loudest.

To: The voice within (Online) ruthlessmanoeuvre@mindsickness.com > [Right-click to see ways you can interact with this person] Sheathe your angst, There's naught to be earned from destroying me. Without the host The parasite dies. Don't wreck my thoughts, They're the only reason you're alive.

At the crossroads where rationalism and emotions meet. My heart is heavy, too heavy to breathe. It tells me to start packing and walk away. I can't bear to leave. Yet how can I stay? An end. How far can I walk away before I start slowing down my footsteps... How long more before I turn back.. How much more can I make myself go through... all over again.

I'm not making myself sad. This night... a month ago... I felt a spurt of happiness I thought I couldn't feel anymore. But ironically... just as he said too, the turn of events today just didn't seem norm. Please don't lie to me...though it may be a white lie to keep hurt from me, I judge myself strong enough to take naked truths. Unless it's guilt that kept you from telling.............................. Sometimes I wish I was abit more ignorant. Then I need not wonder why you didn't tell me certain stuff. Nor doubt the things you sometimes say. And sometimes I wish I didn't have to feel the need to protect myself, but trust you completely and let you protect me instead. It's not that I'm in self-doubt. Nor am I unable to trust. I want to trust. Want to believe. I feel like i'm waiting for something... to tell me that I can lower my drawbridge and let my folksmen out of the sanctuary they've grown tired of. They'll work hard...

Meeting the wrong person. Meeting the right person at the wrong time. Meeting... none. It really felt like the last time I'm watching him walk away... That moment... I was empty. Even my sprained ankle ceased throbbing. The only sound in the silence was a crushed shattering.. The rest numb and muffled, deadened night, me. I would rather hurt myself Than to ever make you cry... I wait in the darkness Frozen winds surround my face In the cover of darkness I can make believe its you I feel you like the rain, I feel you like a storm cloud building in my heart I wonder if you know the pain to want the one thing you haven't got. --- Savage Garden, Mine.

What happened to the new year resolution of not waiting for another's sms or calls? I don't know what the hell is wrong... but yet nothing feels right either. Trapped in a perfect opportunity for couples to hang out... Sigh. Can't help but wonder why I got myself into it in the first place. Watching others... holding hands walking, looking into each other's eyes, eating together, I wonder when I can be able to do that carefreely too. He's always around, but then again not near at all. That longing, that ridiculous red laser beam dot resting on him wherever he is, hoping he'll prob spot me looking and smile back. Just such simple things will make me happy... When you feel something so strong towards a person but have to watch him with her, it's like breathing in diffused arsenic, dying a bit more each time when you see them together. Furthermore you can't show what you really wish to do, say things in the tones you seriously wish to. Cuz the...