~ Ephemeral Visage ~

It hurts, to know I'm not good enough It burns, to hear those words you left unsaid, And I know that nothing I do can affect what you feel. I couldn't help the tears that rained.

Oh yay. I'm writing a new entry, instead of turning in. Can't help it... gotta empty my thoughts before they do me in. I feel the familiar pang of depression these days... those voices echoing in my head, trying their darnest to reduce my self-esteem to dust. "No one will care if you just sat here forever." I dunno what I've done by explaining in the previous entry, for better or for worse. I feel like explaining right from the top, but again it would take ages, and a great deal of effort to convert what I feel into words. Graphics would be better, but i'm no artist. Words as my only consolation, I wrote a great deal last night. But perhaps due to total exhaustion (which led to clicking the wrong stuff) or a technology glitch, the 14june entry i edited last night is nowhere to be seen. Some would definitely say..."Well... mabbe its really not meant to be." But somehow I don't wish that to be true. I wish anyone could be me ...

All of nothing, Nothing of all. I'm here and yet, not here at all... Another lonely night... But this time the silence speaks volumes, where self-realization occurs... you feel like you've attained a further level of achievement. "He's bumming around all the time until he hits a certain thing then he stops a while, then continue bumming again.." Meow's words hit me suddenly... that I've been doing just that for what felt like, and if I'm not wrong, a few years. No wonder I'm feeling the tug to slow things down, find a place I can belong. Quit being the social butterfly, and the handsome hermit. But I suddenly realize... there's no place I can rest. After these years of flippant bumming around, I haven't really established any place sturdy enough to keep out the shudders should the storm come. That, is the ultimate trigger and reason for my depression these days. I'm really tired of flying. I need a branch to perch on....

I've loved you... Since the day you held my hand Even now when there's a hole too big for me to mend. I wish... I could make you see how things don't have to end But you bundled my love and make it clear away you'll send. I know you're busy but I'm going away There seems to be nothing yet I've so much to say Wanna hope that you'll ask me to stay But deep down i know there'll never be this day. I hope, to see you next time I don't have to pay Nor you'll only see me when I'm on a morgue's tray.

Waking up with vestiges of the nightmare still in my head, I know today's not gonna be the best of days. And that applies to any entry I'm writing. I probably dump this into Drafts simply because it'll reflect too cynical a person; too dark a mood. Don't mistake me for a grouch...I'm fairly optimistic most of the time,(at least in this lifetime.) But there are times, like today, where things just seem to insist attention from a more practical approach. Relentless they are in highlighting the darker side of a coin in any situation, whether they seek to warn me of danger I put myself in by being optimistic, or try again to ensnare me into that deep dark hole of cynism, I don't know. And I probably don't really care to discover. I miss my friends. Probably because I don't have alot of them, that's why I can remember just how long ago I've last seen them. And it's been too long. Most of the time I ask them out, they wouldn't be free... ...

Imagine the odds Of me sitting here Looking through my window As swirling galaxies appear Searching the sky For questions to the answers I have found About love and what else might matter, As time slowly runs aground Imagine the odds Of you sitting there Looking through your window During this night of sweet despair And of all the billions of stars We were looking at the same While even if we wanted to; Never to know each other's name Imagine the odds Of this unity of ‘we’ As one in our existance Of perfect disharmony. -Christophe C.

"i have a choice... to take the well-trodden path, or the one less travelled... i took the latter not because i like robert frost neither because it sounds cool it's because i know what i want in life at the very least, i know what i dun want..." ernie never fail to put a knowing smile on my face at the way he echoes my thoughts...though he's not a know-all when it comes to what's inside this nuthead, he's by far one who have made it closest. Just wanna say... I've also taken paths less trodden before... just to prove I can. Though the actions I took ain't that extreme as ernie's but I've also had my share of stumbling blocks, doubtful glares and smirking scoffs. And though the journey was ardous, it was reflective of who are really true; it helped me have more time for myself by reducing my social circle by half. Last but not least, it also made spring cleaning more efficient for me. haha...

They say... " Do not spend time on people who aren't willing to spend time on you ." Used to think that was cynical, but i've come to realize gradually that living by this principle brings much less heartache, not to mention maintaining a healthy self-esteem. =) I was thinking what my greatest achievement is thus far these few decades. And I'm proud to find one...That's giving myself another chance to live. Well... it's probably sad that I can't come to love, but at least the hurt's not around either. Amen. And as for Man on the whole, I'd say... "Mankind's greatest achievement is being able to work his way up to the top of the food chain." (o'.'o)