~ Ephemeral Visage ~

*Roses as my only company* To say I am not upset would be a lie... And to learn the news from another in such a manner, It's a little hard to convince myself that it's alright, I should just let it pass...we're still able to be the way we were. Suddenly I'm very tired. I wanna end whatever game we've been playing, because the rules aren't fair. I can't keep up with you, being your good friend when you're not honest with me yet I have to pretend things are still the same between us. Now I'm suddenly very alone too, because I just realised speaking to our other friend doesn't work. He doesn't see what I'm trying to explain. I'd hoped there was at least someone who'll understand, but I got even more upset after talking to him because he splintered that hope. This incident made me see a red blinking light in our friendship. Jt once said, "the next time u wanna be angry at someone and keep away from them, at least...

Men are event-driven. Many guys I know have more freedom in their youths than now, and they reminisce their carefree days, be it catching spiders under rocks or guppies in drains, police and thief or pepsi cola. They were unburdened with responsibilities and what they now know they ought to accomplish. They know they gotta plan now, for their future. Currently they're at the age where they are either doodling away in muddy green uniforms, or mugging pretty hard for a laminated piece of paper. And soon after they near 30 they'll think it's time for a life-long companion. A wife. Perhaps not in the truest sense of the word, but still a Wife. I appeared too early before you were event-driven to seek someone you can place your Love with. Despite everything, I will attend your wedding. I will wish you eternal maritial bliss. I will tell you I'll always be your friend, and always be around. I will ask you to drop by once in a while, or give me a call. You ...

I never had a christmas tree. Didn't know what I was missing all these years Lights and ribbons and glistened tears Bake you a gingerbreadman Honey Turkey and smoked ham Chestnut o'er fire in a pan Whispering our future plans I wish I had a christmas tree. Who would have thought I could fall so in love (With) Jazz and wine and cheerful mirth To kiss under the mistletoe Making love amidst the snow Fireplace warning off the cold Sharing secrets till we're old. Sigh... Missing you, has made me a poet. Merry Christmas... From me to you. Nee amata wo mitsukete soshite midoto wasurezu Domma mi mume ga itakutemo soba mi iru mo zutto...zutto....

Decided to thrash my router~ gonna call my computer geek uncle for a solution or a change of router soon. Ransacked through my cupboard and found a stack of Christmas cards I probably bought years ago but forgot all about them. Sifting through the lot of them, I gingerly picked out 7 with the intention to send out to some of my closer friends. But I realized just as I was decorating the first to my grandoter, that for someone who can write tons of words with a flourish of my pen(or fingers), I was clueless as to what to write for a simple xmas card. Should I pen down how important they were to me over the past one year? Should I disclose how much I've missed the others who haven't stayed in contact? Or should I simply pin some well-wishes that sounds real hollow to the blank spaces? Hmm I realize I have the same problem with writing birthday cards. I prefer giving presents and labels. I put the unfinished card aside. My current mood's just not right for writing and decora...

My router's working up again. I can't surf the net; not as if there's anything interesting to surf these days with people disappearing to their own programmes. I put my notebook aside. There's nothing much to write tonight. Took a warm shower to exorcise the melancholy in the air, and now my hair's damp and screaming in protest against drying up in the cold aircon draught. My best friend's finally coming back tomorrow from Hong Kong. Wonder what she bought for me during her trip. She's one hectic shopper I tell you, not to mention a compulsive buyer. I can't help but smile at the image of her carrying more shopping bags than both her hands can carry. I love her that way. The radio is playing some jumpy song. How I wished I had my maksim cd with me, I'd have loved to play his songs through, close my eyes and let him dance his fingers across the keyboard for me. It's a greatest honour to have someone play for you. I switched my mini compo to CD...

Little things you don't usually notice as your transport zooms past. A little boy dumping his bottle over the bridge into the drain, Vehicle in front splashing water onto a lone passenger at the bustop. The tree lizard scurrying to the tree next door. Such little stuff...how many actually notice them like I do? Long bus trips usually make me nostalgic. The drumming of the engines make me think.. Of philosophy, of what I want, how i should go about getting it. And evaluation of the current life I'm living. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I dislike the way he talks. He comes across initially as a friendly guy who is always too enthusiastic to help. But one would know better as time goes by that this habit to help is actually a by-product from his over-confidence in himself, that he can do almost anything, even if it's something he knows nuts about, as long as he has a try in it, he'll definitely succeed. And as if that's not arrogant eno...

Just as my hotmail page is taking its own sweet time loading, I've this sudden urge to write. Today was a day easily passed, just sitting around in the shop, idling, watching my grandma and mummy attending to customers, peeling onions, packaging dried foodstuff etc. This little kid came into the shop with a very chatty grandmother. She was kawaii..very very beautiful. I offered her a roller coaster ring. She took it shyly, watching my eyes ever so cautiously. Without breaking that precious eye contact, I withdrew a ring and put it slowly into my mouth, and chewed. She followed. I smiled. She smiled back. I felt the first spurt of joy since the start of the week. Such a simple thing, yet it brought me warmth. I love this period..it's when everything is so still, so calm; and yet I live with no grudge of the stagnant air, but at ease with myself. I would describe it as Serene, if not for the image that is linked with that name. Serenity wouldn't fit too, because I get rem...

Finished the song with Rei today.. I think our previous MARY didn't take as long to record as this time travel piece. But I really like this piece..maybe the next sad one I'm going to get my brother to make his debut with his er hu together with my piano. Or maybe Rei with her cello. Hey hey watcha think rei? Composing usually lifts my spirits. Because there's the thrill of the deadline, the flow of ideas, the sense of achievement that you've successfully moulded something that's yours. You don't have to wait or hope for people to give you what you like/wish for, nor worry about any consequences of owning it. I think I understand what the creator of Frankenstein felt... before the superstitious villagers wedged his creation away.

What is it I truly want, Out of this meaningless pursuit for happiness Knowing fully I cannot get anything from you. What is it I truly feel, To love you, or to draw away from you The first something I can't help but the second a choice. I went to sleep last night feeling the full force of the rejection The dejection, my futile efforts of hoping you'll feel for me The drug numbed me, I let sleep relieve me of the pain. With a choice, and the pain, I went to sleep last night with the decision Of extracting myself from this situation, To love myself a little better (since you couldnt) Yet this morning when I roused from sleep, a voice whispered ever so softly Asking me to be true to myself, to face loving you, even if it means getting nothing in return. You think I'm writing of the one before you, But I think so much tears over the years is enough To repay any emotional debt I may owe him in previous lives. Yes seeing him still has an effect on me...

This trip....I had ALOT of fun.. if i ever get to show you the photos you would agree too, from my sunny blasting smiles, and the affectionate gestures, poses, hugs. The wild abandon to glee. This trip was supposed to be a soul-searching trip. A rebirth. I felt thus all the way until a few minutes ago. -tick tock- :: -tick tock- Time has a funny way of delivering stuff. You never know what will appear on your screen the next second you click a link. Yes, there is a reason to the Melancholy I am feeling. Let's see how many of you can actuallly guess it. I feel...like the world is closing in. The room is getting smaller and smaller.. Once again I have been reduced to being insignificant again, I'm forced to realise all along my Dream had been an illusion. I'm struggling to hang onto the surface, The rabbit hole dark and bottomless beneath me. But my hands tire..the muscles scream in protest. The mind is so very dejected.. You were the...